From Partner to Caregiver: Redefining Your Role
Spousal caregiving is no ordinary act of support. It encompasses profound emotional changes, especially when dementia or chronic illness challenges old marital routines. The caregiving spouse experiences anticipatory loss, while the care recipient may seem distant or apathetic. Inevitably, intimacy and the balance of partnership shift, creating a sense of longing for the closeness that once was. Professional support, self-awareness, and healthy boundaries all help to reshape this new dual identity. Recognizing the magnitude of these changes can pave the way for meaningful coping strategies and, ultimately, a more sustainable caregiving experience.
This situation has unique challenges beyond the usual kind of caregiving by a child or other kind of loved one. The loss of a relationship ensues when one spouse requires the other’s caregiving. Often the well spouse pulls away emotionally. There is anticipatory loss. There is a significant role change from equality and partnership to dependency and need. If dementia is present, there is usually apathy on the part of the care recipient, as well. S/he doesn’t respond to warm gestures and loving words. Old romantic habits don’t get responses. Intimacy issues complicate matters further. What can be done to mitigate these challenges and deal with them more effectively?
Recognize the level of this profound change. There is emotional work to be done. The identity of the caregiver is now a dual one, not merely a partner/spouse. S/he is also a caregiver. Thus, a re-evaluation of one’s role and acceptance of that is in place. It may be helpful to seek professional support to adjust to this new identity.
Further work involves recognizing and accepting ambiguous loss. There is no closure because the person is present, but in a different state. The person of the past is no longer there. The challenge is to accomplish both caregiving and self-care.
Professionals advise that being clear about what one can do and what one cannot/will not do helps. Using the I word is beneficial as in saying I will do that and won’t do this. Demarcating those caregiving boundaries means saying what tasks you will do and those that you won’t do. The other person may not like those boundaries and has a right to feel that way. Hiring help and getting help for those tasks is crucial. Sticking to those boundaries will maintain a manageable state.
Be aware of signs of burnout. Are feelings of resentment, guilt, and anger rising? Are people commenting that you are neglecting yourself? Do You look haggard? Have you neglected medical appointments of your own? Are people pointing out that you need respite and more help? Pay attention and have a good think about what you will change. This is complicated. It involves physical tasks as well as many emotions. Get professional support if necessary. This is one of the biggest life stressors.
Caring Professionals has many resources to help caregivers and families:
- Engaging Activities for Seniors with Dementia
- Tips for the Holidays with an Older Adult with Dementia
- Understanding your Cranky Smart Old Dad
- Adulting and You
- Why Consider Changing Your Space to Age in Place?
- Do’s and Don’ts for Conversing with a Dementia Patient
- Inside the Caregiver Body, Mind, and Heart
- I want CDPAP but I can’t find a PA
- CDPAP: More Flexible Employment than You Think
