Thanksgiving is a day for counting our blessings and celebrating with our generations. We have a picture in our minds of a sumptuous meal complete with turkey, dressing, pumpkin pie, and cranberry sauce with fall colors in a rich tablescape. It’s a time when we share not only food but hopes, milestones, and positivity. It’s a time to feel satisfied with the bounty that we have.
If you are the caregiver for an elderly person, it’s a journey to feel grateful and satisfied. Your family may have gathered. You may have three generations at the table, but who is tending to grandma? You! Who is making sure that the food on her plate is compatible with her dietary requirements? You! Who is making sure that her scheduled medications are taken in middle of the meal? You! Who is sitting next to her to make sure she is engaged in the conversations that flow all around you? You! Who ensures that she is not ignored? You! And who is feeling overextended about the responsibilities toward the senior? You, the one who hates feeling resentful, again!
Plan. It doesn’t have to be this way. If you carefully choose to discuss grandma care with select mature family members, you can share the responsibilities at Thanksgiving. Suggest that wouldn’t it be nice if grandma spent some time specifically with those she doesn’t see frequently? Let’s split up grandma duties so she gets to talk to and be attended to by some of the adults and young adults who will be there. Being tended by a family member, rather than the aide, would be a great change for mom, you can say. We’re trying to do things a little differently this year.
You will need to ask some responsible family members in advance to take half hour or hour spells, depending on how long you expect everyone to be there. (Transporting her to and from the celebration are separate jobs.) Make phone calls for that purpose; it’s worth investing the time and focus. Clarify what is involved so that people will not find it daunting. Being her social director is a cute way to put it, even though helping her with her food, drink, and meds are part of the responsibility as well. Figure it out beforehand, give reassurance at the beginning of the meal, and keep an eye on things.
Taking a break from the caregiving during Thanksgiving is giving others the gift of giving to grandma. It’s not shirking your responsibility. Sharing the load from time to time is sensible as well as educational for others. See it as training for more engagement, conversations, and visits.
As participants prepare to leave, you can compliment those that took turns with grandma and say, you were gentle with grandma. I could tell that she enjoyed sitting next to you. Maybe pay her a visit next time you have a college break. She will love staying in touch with you until you see her again in person. Intentionality and planning can help you share the responsibilities of entertaining and maintaining your senior. Awareness and inclusion can be prompted with focus. Make sure you get some respite from your constant giving during Thanksgiving. Giving is a privilege you can share!
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