How to Handle Family Disagreements Over Caregiving
There is bound to be conflict and disagreement when a family member is ill. It’s important to know that this is normal and not necessarily dysfunctional.
Especially when the ill or debilitated one is a parent, siblings may often revert to their old roles in the family when it was much younger. The clown who just provides entertainment may be cute and funny during family meetings. The golden child may be accorded deference and agreement. The scapegoat when you were all young may be blamed now too. The underperformer may be perceived as coming up short on his responsibilities now. Be aware of this tendency and try not to be judgmental.
These roles may influence concerns about navigating legal, financial, medical, and practical needs of the parent. It’s probably smart to build on the strengths and skills of the adult children. Look to people who can take care of matters that are a natural for them and easier because of their location and access to resources. Even an out of town adult child can take care of ordering groceries via Instacart or arranging financial matters or making appointments with physicians and medical providers. Capitalize on people’s identities rather than their old shortcomings.
Be aware that old burdens and traumas may resurface in the discussions about caregiving for an elderly parent. Keep the focus on the present situation but know that sibling issues of the past will be in people’s minds and emotions.
Managing expectations is smart. Let go of perfectionism. Maintaining your standards increases tension. Good enough is good.
Practice acceptance. There will be intractable situations because people may be so entrenched in their narratives so they will not cooperate as partners in caring. That’s ok. Find other supports to put in place to do that which is meeting resistance. Pay an outsider or consult a professional to take care of the task instead.
It helps to be aware of your own why. What is the reason you are doing the caregiving? It may be love. It may be a sense of giving back. It may even be simple crassness-wanting an inheritance. It may be religious or cultural values. Understanding the why makes it easier to deal with the challenges inherent in a team of children caring for a parent.
You can set boundaries. It helps the situation from getting out of hand and keeps you sane with a measure of control.
If everyone is educated about the parent’s medical and mental situation, the likelihood of cooperation will increase. Knowing a parent has dementia is not enough. Which kind of dementia is it? What does the doctor say about next steps? What does the literature say? What do the support organizations for this illness or type of dementia suggest? If all know answers to these questions, there will be less conflict. You can post the links to the information on your siblings’ chat.
Use the social supports available. Whether it is a monthly webinar, a zoom support group for caregivers, or an Alzheimer’s Association group, encourage participation. Hearing others’ experiences, emotions, and tips will help your family members navigate challenges with greater tolerance and understanding.
There may be disagreement with the parent. Obviously, there is a parent child role reversal when a parent requires caregiving. There is a power shift, too. The parent needs care and the children can give it or arrange for it to be given. Keep that in mind and seek opportunities to empower the senior. Give her choices. Would you like me to come at six or at eight? Will you call your friend to wish her happy holiday? Encouragement and suggestions can be framed as questions. What do you think about doing…? Does this work for you?
An obvious suggestion is about communication. Communicate with the team members about what the needs are. It’s not about you. It’s about the patient.
Finally, get mediation help if necessary. There are professionals at the specialty organizations who can help. They are usually trained geriatric social workers and care managers. Getting an outsider to navigate will manage conflicts so disagreements within the family won’t negatively affect the care recipient.
Thank you to Adina Segal, MSW and PSS who provided much of this material.
More articles from Caring Professionals Home Care Agency on caregiving:
- What do I need to know about Guardianship for a Senior?
- The Afternoon of Human Life
- Do’s and Don’ts for Conversing with a Dementia Patient
- Understanding your Cranky Smart Old Dad
- Adulting and You
- Why Consider Changing Your Space to Age in Place?
- Do’s and Don’ts for Conversing with a Dementia Patient
